My Approach
My therapeutic approach is warm, nurturing, compassionate, and non-judgmental. I strive to be authentic with my clients, as a fellow human navigating life, who also happens to have specialized knowledge and education about relationships and family dynamics. I believe that you know yourself and your experience better than I do, and strive to bring an active curiosity to the therapy room.
I specialize in working with Queer and Lesbian couples. Many of my therapeutic interventions are derived from Internal Family Systems (IFS), Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO), Attachment Theory, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness practices with a Queer Theory lens.
Key concepts that are central to my work include:
“Parts”
I use “parts” language in my work. I find that this is a good framework for understanding thoughts, feelings, body sensations and beliefs, especially when these contradict each other. For example, a part of me wants to initiate a conversation with my partner around a topic that has historically been tough for us, but another part of me would rather not talk about it.
Self-Awareness/Mindfulness
It is imperative that we are aware of our parts when in relationship. If a part of me wants to have that tough conversation but another part of me doesn’t, that’s important for me to be aware of and may also be important for my partner to know as well.
In mindfulness practice, this self-awareness arises out of observation. From an IFS perspective, the Observer is often referred to as the Self. The Self has the ability to notice parts (thoughts, feelings, and beliefs) and not judge them. Self says, “I notice there is a part of me that wants to initiate a conversation, and I notice a part of me that would rather not.” Simply having an awareness of these internal parts is the first step in transforming your communication with your partner.
Non-Judgmental
From a mindfulness perspective, thoughts and feelings just exist. They are not good or bad, right or wrong necessarily, they just are. I extend this same perspective to parts. Parts are not inherently good or bad or right or wrong, they just arise. Additionally, IFS would argue that parts are also protective and working on our behalf. It is important to get to know our parts and learn about how they are trying to protect us, even if they are not very skilled in achieving their desired outcome. The part of me that wants to have the conversation is not inherently any better or worse than the part of me that doesn’t. And both of these parts are trying to protect me, they just have different perspective on how to best protect.
Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance
Protective parts are often reactive. They jump in the driver’s seat and do and say things impulsively. They feel they are protecting us with their actions, but often they end up pushing us farther away from our partner. Learning to tolerate activation and distress, and to help reactive parts regulate is an important aspect of couples work.
De-Personalization/Differentiation
One of the most important skills to master in relationships is De-personalizing. When we are able to view what our partner is expressing as about them and not about us, suddenly we are able to focus on being curious with our partner, allowing us to attune to them and gain a clear understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Learning to de-personalize takes time and practice, but it is absolutely transformative in relationship.
Self-Compassion
The practice of Self-compassion can be equally as transformative. Not only can we learn to be non-judgmental of our parts and our partner’s parts, we can learn to reliably shift into compassion and kindness for the parts that are working so hard to keep us safe.