Couples Counseling

There aren’t many things in life that are as satisfying as feeling “at home” with your partner. You feel safe, seen, and connected. You feel like when you express yourself, you’re being heard, and you’re being given the benefit of the doubt. Because you’re generally on the same page with your partner, you feel free to focus on tackling the many challenges that life brings including work, finances, intimacy, parenting, coordinating, scheduling, extended family, friendships, hobbies, grief, etc. knowing that your partner has your back and is an invaluable member of your team.

Alternatively, there aren’t many things in life that can feel as miserable as feeling disconnected from your partner. You feel misunderstood, uncared for, unheard, defensive, angry, resentful, hurt, and alone. And it feels like there’s no escape from this suffering.

My approach to couples counseling is derived from Internal Family Systems (IFS), Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO), Attachment Theory, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness Practice. (See the section on ‘My Approach’ for more details)

I believe that when we interact with others, we are leading with a part or parts of us. We rely on an internal system of parts to help us navigate our lives and relationships. Sometimes we are aware of these parts and have made a choice to let them lead, and other times parts get activated and impulsively jump into the driver's seat. These are often our fierce protective parts, and they get activated when an emotional threat is perceived.

Different people have different protective parts that have developed over time. Sometimes protective parts seek control and aggressively pursue a partner for connection and resolution. Sometimes protective parts yell really loudly to be heard or they say really cutting things. Or maybe a part protects by withdrawing; slamming the door, leaving the house, not engaging. Other parts will binge on food, alcohol, or other substances to escape uncomfortable feelings.

While all of these parts are wonderful at protecting and defending us, they do not always work well in maintaining connection. In fact they often have the opposite effect. When our fierce protectors are running the show we are often left feeling even more disconnected, misunderstood, hurt and alone.

My aim in couples counseling is to support you and your partner in acknowledging and understanding the various parts and protectors that make up your internal systems, and how these parts impact each other. You will learn to be with these parts, to hear them and care for them, which then allows the more skillful parts of your system to engage in a meaningful and connected way.